Libertine
by Imdris-FireDragon
Summary: Its 4am, and she's trying to lose herself


_very angsty, inspired by the music on my playlist at the time and a very odd night with no sleep ... again._

_written to get me back into the swing of things for my other story. So if you dont like 'em dark, dont read, simple as !_

_I dont own 'em, but if I did ... wohoo! the fun I'd have :)_

**

* * *

It was 4am, and she was trying to lose herself.**

The cold white tile under her forehead held her there, all feeling and no thought, the searingly hot water drumming down upon the back of her bowed head.

Another wave of dizziness swamped her again, face flushing in the rising heat, causing her to reach out a pale unsteady hand to brace herself against the clammy wall. Yet she kept herself there, time slipping by unnoticed and uncared; water slowly swirling, rising around her ankles as the bath gradually filled around her.

_To drain the soul_

Revelling in the pleasuring pain of sensation, she slowly leaned her head back - shower pressure turned up so high, the torrent of water beating down hard enough to bruise, the water to burn - long tendrils of dark hair swept back and twisting, cascading downwards under the deluge. The building heat was _exhausting_, tuned to leach away what little strength remained within her trembling limbs.

She slid to her knees.

Body mimicking the desperation, the solitude, anger and destruction within her twisted fragmented soul. She was running without moving; heavy, troubled and oh so conflictingly dissasatisfied. Unable to comprehend what thoughts would be involved in reaching for the source of it all, she gazed unfocussed at burning droplets of water running, a dripping, mesmerising distraction.

To just ... _be._

Escape one last time.

So meaningless ...

Easing her feet out from under her, she turned, the bathwater that swished around her waist now, swirling, sparkling as she laid back - eyes half-closed against the resounding impacting spray that relentlessly drummed down upon her, outstretched splayed fingers as she played the clear liquid sliding across her palm. Drifting ...

It was not enough ...

_**It would never. could never. be. enough.**_

The oppressive mood, the beast within her; twisting, clawing, enveloping, grasping, thrilling; overwhelming emotions flowing freely, unrestricted through her. It was an exploration, and an annihilation. Her breath hitched within her throat, pulse thrumming through her veins loud, vibrant, like a baseline to her soul; coursing through her, akin to so much water, destroying, directionless ... this was but a chance to watch, admire the distance; the encompassing void between her and her own mind.

_... Breathe ... just breathe ..._

Her fingers wrapping around themselves, clutching the enamel of the bath's edge; pulling her upright from the growing depths. Reaching for the first bright flash of colour - discarded presents - soaps and salts and pretty things; Different colours, different shades - reflective of all the memories, mistakes she's made. Soft hands finding the unfragranced, dark green glycerin; dipping it in the water before drawing it slowly pressing deeply into her skin. Repetitive, purgative. Stroking, rubbing over and over again against already reddened skin.

Slowly, untended fluid scarlet trails appearing under the loving-hate of penitence ...

_**Must be clean**_

She _had_ to feel cleansed - instead of engulfed, saturated, drowning - growing evermore disillusioned she let the the plain green soap slide beween her listless fingers, being lost to the encroaching waters even as she unwrapped another - wild lavender and herbs infusion, its discarded paper shreds fluttering in the half-light to the already swimming floor. She watched them go through lowered lids, as they flitted, dancing downwards, being turned over by the rising, insubstantial steam. Inconsequential.

Yet even as the ritualistic purifying began again, this new cloying vaguely masculine scent assaulted her senses - instantly shunned, she flinched physically recoiling away as if struck. Flashes of living memory, loud, vivid, tangible; causing the offensive purple material to be flung from her in the same motion as her sub-concious screamed in protest, hands thrown up in defense...

_It hurts ..._

Gradually, heart hammering, trembling hands lowered. Brow smoothing from the silent grimace resumed staring vacantly transfixed; iris's dilated and fixed, yet fingers already teasing the covering from another ripping and shredding scattered pieces of crumpled paper; left floating, bobbing around; nought but crushed discarded lily petals in the imminently overflowing tub. Softening up the white-flecked canary-coloured soap under the still running shower, she resumed her task.

_**Yes ...**_

Twisting upwards in triumph, one corner of her lips curled up slyly, feral, half-snarling and half in appreciation. The pungent raw scent filling the air, invoking an immediate sensory overload - like adrenaline, eyes closed in ecstasy as her head lolled back, tastebuds suddenly awash with the intoxicating bitter taste of freshly-sliced lemon, salt ... wondering absentmindedly who she picked this particular vice up from - or had it always been there, always been hers, bubbling away below the surface... trailing her fingers down her throat as her body instinctively writhed, she licked her lips, the deep craving, _want_ overwhelming in its need to be filled; uncoerced memories seeping through her veins even as she reached over, picking up the glass bottle off of the towels on the floor, sealed cap twisting off under her hand; feeling the burning, bitter satisfaction in her throat. And she simply, gladly, gave in.

_**flash**_

_fair head bobbed, blue-eyed flashing laugher from across the loud smoky bar-top; toasting the pale amber liquid, even as his hand strayed downwards, brushing her thigh. Gaze locking with hers. Tilted head, delicious... and she knew ..._

_**flash**_

_dark head nuzzling the crook of her neck as she moaned, roughcast wall grazing her spine as she moved against him, even as he pined her, growling "what d'you want. Tell me what it is you want ..."_

_**flash**_

_dark bodies gyrating, dancing around her, flashing coloured lights in the hot perma-darkness as she moved, uninhibited ... one body, two; male, female it didn't matter ..._

_**flash**_

_grabbing her wrist, slamming her hard back against the pillar, hot breath and confused dark eyes pored over her, anew as if really seeing her for the first time_

_" why can't you just fucking talk to me?" _

_the answer, that same teasing, taunting smile ..._

_**flash**_

_his dark eyes from across the room, staring straight into their depths, even as she tilted back and tasted yet another ... watching as he can't look away ..._

_**flash**_

_standing in the rain, head tilted back, hands out: wind picking up from the edge and lifting her nearly from her feet ''I feel alive ...''_

_**flash**_

_cold concrete below her, motionless, drifting in darkness; the warmth of his body below her even as she heard him call, close yet so far, ''please ... please, don't go...'' _

_blond on anxious blue, he brought her back and she couldnt hurt him anymore ...running away yet again, different this time ... _

_'' I'll wait for you''_

_**flash**_

_Turning back from across the room, bottle in hand, even as she walked away; over her shoulder, that same smile ... and their eyes watched, too aware of each other and no idea of what it really meant ..._

_**flash**_

_music, and darkness; a willingness to play, to push the boundries between pleasure and pain ... blond, blue, brown, black, red, hazel, green..._

_**flash**_

_Sitting on the kerb, tears of frustration, trying to explain ''so what if you can see the darker side of me, no-one can ever change this animal I have become ... I'm still caged, I can't control myself ... I like it rough, 'cos I'd rather feel pain than nuthin' at all... ''_

_Only, realising - this didnt work either; it makes no difference, in all that she lack's she's still not good enough._

_**flash**_

_dancing the same dance at the bar once more, as feels rough hands: turning in his grasp she grinds against him, dark hair, he taste's it with her while the other - never invited, but always there - looks the other way ... that bitter burning liquid, the biting salt, and the release from all thats in her, it always brings ..._

_**Never thought you'd make me perspire ...**_

Relaxed back, in the flickering candlelight she swipes down suddenly feeling the sting, before pressing her wrist down upon hard against the edge until her vision speckles; dark grey/black dots swirling around even as this new bright vivid unrelenting crimson beats, beautiful release, sliding down her pale skin, colouring the already gently overflowing water still raining down upon her into the tub. Tumbling downwards now, crimson and bubbles, soaking the floor and creeping across the slate tiles.

_Libertine ..._

She watches as long as her eyes stay open, the flickering light mirrored in her bright eyes; head resting, supported against the enamel - before smiling as calm encompassing quiet darkness begins to claim her.

_peace ..._

Empty, the cool glass slips from her nerveless grasp, the bottle shattering upon the sodden floor: her last concious thoughts of him, not regrets.

_'' I gave you everything and more ... ''_

_

* * *

_

**It was just after 4.30am, and all he wanted to do was kick down the door.**

Silently pacing, tormented by his demons - ever since she'd drifted by him earlier, so very quiet, a mere shadow in her passing leaving only the vaguest of ripples in her wake. She withdrew into the safety of her room, her music - the very dischordant mixture of melancholy and furious anger only added fuel to the fire of his unease. Finding himself unwilling to enter, and unable to leave. Knocking gently in vain, discreetly trying the door, all to no avail. Either she couldn't hear, or she simply just didn't want to.

_She doesn't need you to protect her ..._

Anguished, the thoughts conquered him - drove him from his silent vigil more than once tonight; stalking away, seething, fury a smouldering slow all-consuming burn ...

It didn't last long. Somehow, his feet kept finding his way back to her, no matter what was running through his head. And so, he'd waited, senses tuned to what lay in the room beyond, the treasure that resided outwith his reach.

He'd hunkered down, head resting on his crossed arms abruptly lifting when the sound of soft footsteps - the first noise other than music he'd heard in hours - padded across the room, hope souring in his mouth even as they passed by the door and moved further, deeper into the room muting the music slightly as she went.

Swiftly gaining his feet - tensed and bracing his body on his forearms, hands above his head against the unadorned wooden doorframe; tilted head, skin a mere fraction of a hair's breadth from the dark wood; eyes closed he listened intently, catching the faint _hiss_ as phosphorous ignited dipped wick. Breathing deeply, scents of burning wax, pale lotus, green lily and spicy cinnamon soon invaded his nostrils; hearing the shower start up, heavy and thunderous, almost causing him to miss the soft sounds of clothes hitting the floor and the slight gasp as she stepped under the spray. Eyes snapped open uncomfortably disgusted.

_what am I doing ?_

frozen to the spot, unresponsive feet denied him, even as his mind conjured up the worst posible responses to his apparently depraved actions. Revolted, nauseated, abhorrent ... yet, he couldn't tear himself away from the wooden barricade that mocked him, knowing full well the obstruction was really just a mere hinderance if he wanted it to be ... only, he didnt desire to burst in unwarranted, give her ammunition, a reason to push him away more. By his own admission, he _wanted_ to be wanted.

Even if that did mean he was running the risk of being caught waiting letcherously outside her door, listening intently to the tune the water tattooed upon her delicate, pale skin ...

_**... animal ...**_

Shamefaced and powerless, he hung his head; however remaining motionless, the passage of time running by unchecked, blurred, marked only by the faint gasps and sighs, caught breaths and moistened movements he could hear swishing beneath the closer, dominating score. Ears cocked, overhearing her movements become precise, deliberate ... brows furrowing, sifting through and attempting to organise the intertwined blend of fragrances, for an instant detecting the slightest hint of blood. Hastily pressing his ear against the door, he jumped at the dull _thud_ of an object connecting with the floor, then silence for a moment - breath halted, held in check transfixed, until the noise of consistent motion resumed.

_**...what are you afraid of ?...**_

Turning his head sharply, left, right, with a growl; the almost-whisper of his pensive subconcious weighing in the still air of the hallway. Shaking his head, the realisation of guilt hit him like a sledgehammer - _Its something I have to do ... I lost my soul long ago, I wont let her fall apart_

And thats how he'd found himself here, pacing the hallway like demented caged beast, at near enough quarter to five in the morning; debating which instinct to commit his cause to. The momentum of indecision spiriting him away from the door as he caught the tell-tale whiff of tequila, followed by sudden inexplicable juddering gasps, the heavy scent of her arousal ...The shattering implications of the situation suddenly crashing down upon him.

_you shouldn't be here_

Shoulders rounding in disillusioned, remorseful defeat, he strode away from that detestable door that so called out to him - villainous, trecherous, his heart stopped him at the end of the top of the staircase, breathing heavily, standing on his own eyeing the stairs like a snake that would crush the life from him. Far enough away to clear his head of the intoxicating scents and sounds of her, he weighed his options with some desperation - _could he justify just leaving?_ precious minutes ticked pass as he contemplated taking that seeming first, huge step off of the landing, onto a road that would only leave them on their own.

All of a sudden, he noticed the silence, the quiet. Too quiet. Something itched at the back of his mind, urging, pulling him back - something was wrong ...

Turning, a faint smash echoed along the corridor; finalising his decision, as if there had never been any consideration otherwise. Swiftly jogging back along the hallway, the stomach-churning smell hit him, chillingly.

_blood. _

Running flat out, no longer caring who heard, with a roar he slashed open the lock of the flimsy door; smashing his weight against it, barrelling straight through, leaving destruction and splintered wood in his wake. Leaping over the foot of her bed, he booted open the bathroom door to find a bloodbath.

_**Oh god ...**_

Glass crunching underfoot, slamming onto his knees, he wrapped his arms desperately under her submerged form, pulling her back to the surface of the deep-crimson stained swirling water, an expanse of ocean salted red. Ashen-faced and unresponsive, her limp form floated, empty, weightless, in his arms. Screaming in horror and effort, her dragged her from the watery tomb, hoisting her into his arms and staggered into the room. She'd always kept part of herself apart, but he never saw this coming ...Depositing her slight body on the bed, he grabbed, snatching at the nearest pieces of cloth, kneeling on the bed next to her frantically attempting to stem the ragged mess that was left of her savaged arm as he continued to scream for help. However the blood continued to pulse through the tied off cloth, pulse growing feebler by the second. Terrified, he shook her hard, her unsupported head, long wet hair whipping from side to side as he panicked like he never had before, when her mutation didnt kick in as it should.

'' Godammit, Marie !!! Don't you do this!! MARIE !!! "

He pulled her into his arms, hugging her still body to him and leaning his head back, tears streaming down his face as he screamed in pure unadulterated grief; unhearing the pounding footsteps towards where he held her in the darkness facing the door, saturated in her blood. He looked down at her colourless face, running his trembling hands over her rapidly cooling skin

_''Marie .."_

Something in him furious, possessed, snapped. Instinctively, he slapped her. Hard. Seeing the skin mark, feel his hand sting; he slapped her once, twice; her head snapped round on the last strike, and he grasped her chin, straightening her face to tilt towards him as he raised his arm to strike her again - the light flicked on; Ororo mouth wide and skin blanched, watched as he brought his hand down across her face with a sickening _slap_

Head thrown back, mouth open and breathless as his body jerked in shock, marie's mutation kicked in; poisionous veins standing out across her pale skin and his. Pulling everything of him down into her ... her arm healed, even as she stirred, serpentine, in his tensed arms, eyes flying open. Both locked in a silent scream, even as she forced herself out of his embrace; scooting herself away from him, yet heedless, involuntarily reaching for him as he collapsed next to her, convulsing but concious, eyes rolling back into his head.

Placing her hands on his chest, she sobbed "Logan ... I'm so sorry ..."

Gradually, his convulsions slowed, stopped. His chest didn't raise or fall, and Rogue, hysterical, clutched his t-shirt and sobbed unabashedly upon his chest, as Ororo felt for a pulse.

His memories, feelings flashed through her head, even as she gasped for breath, heart torn in two ...

"Please...please... you can't die, Logan, you can't leave me ... "

He sharply inhaled, causing her head fly up, a mixture of shock and desperation. Cracking open one exhausted hazel eye, he locked onto her tear-stained face hanging over him. She shook, knowing he was truely looking at her for what she was. Sliding his hand under the sheet they lay on, he wrapped the edge round her and pulled her close, unafraid.

'' I ain't goin anywhere''

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Reviews, please! did ya like it, did ya hate it, or did ya throw cookie crumbs at the screen and pop yer eyes out ... lemme know :) 


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